The Janus Saga: Failed Takes and Scenes Never Seen
by Weiila
Summary: I made another batch of insanity for ya'll to enjoy. Now, for all who haven't met the madness of Kerr, Kefka's twin brother, and the one and only dGalloway, prepare for madness. Everyone else kinda knows what's coming at them I suppose... kwehehe!
1. Things are not going too well

First of all, all but Darth can just skip this, you won't be able to see this text soon in any case…

It's alright, I was rather acidic as well, due to the fact that I was stressed and felt that I really needed to produce more material – a situation in which being pushed isn't the best. You weren't the only one nagging however, so the blame is not yours alone. I apologize as well.

However, without any sarcasm this time, I would be grateful if you also apologized to Chris-Chris (From Fear to Hope, Breath of Fire). You were a little harsh to her, that's honest, and she was truly hurt and discouraged from writing. Criticism is fine as long as it is constructive :)

Onwards to the story!

The Janus saga; Failed Takes

Hey ya'll. Yeah, you've really been starved on updates this summer, therefore I will now treat you with a hopefully amusing scenes that went completely wrong during the writing of them. Did you think that the characters are cooperative or something? Heck no…

I make these up as I go, so there's no real continuity apart from that they come in a somewhat good timeline. However, I'll shamelessly jump forwards and only give you the funniest moments available. Aren't I lazy? Bah. 

Okay, okay, I'm in there too, but if anyone sees anything Mary Sueish about my existence in the scene of crime just say so and I will tenfold the torture of myself, across my heart. ;)  

Apart from these parodies, there will also eventually be a couple of scenes that I really, really wanted to do, but that the plot wouldn't allow. 

From Magus' quest:

If you thought there'd be a chapter 1, think again

 "Alright everyone!" Weiila shouted as she entered the set, waving with her black pencil and the script, "lunch break is over, everybody get ready!"

    She almost crashed into Ozzie who hovered before her, wearing an "I'm not gonna take it any longer!" face.

 "Okay, what's up?" the author tiredly said.

 "Will you get Gilgamesh to throw away that steak already?!" Ozzie snarled, "he's _still_ trying to make us eat it!"

 "Should have forced Molor to gulp it down a year ago, shouldn't I?"

    Weiila grunted to herself and looked around for the runaway Final Fantasy V villain. Ever since he had managed to overcome his fear for Pokémon and had caught Pikachu he had tried to serve the cretin to everyone. It was a hobby by now.

    But Gilly had already run away.

 "What a surprise…" 

    Weiila raised her voice.

 "Anyway! Cave scene part two! Flea, Slash, Magus, Frog!"

 "Sheez, I hate this…" the pink skinned magician grunted as Slash turned into a faint smoke drifting into his pal's skin.

 "Dost thee think that _I_ am happy about my place in this?" Frog growled while Magus with an irritated mutter picked him up. 

 "Silence you idiots," the warlock snapped, "you know she and all her psychotic friends love making things worse if given a chance."

 "Indeed I do," the author grinned from her position several yards away, "for as you know I am the…"

    At this point Magus chimed in and even allowed himself an amused smirk as he recited together with Weiila:

 "… Evil Queen, Devourer of Souls, High Priestess of the Psychopath Society, and Mistress of Mayhem*."

 "And don't you forget it!" the author finished with a chuckle.

 "Oh, I for one won't," Magus said, trying to sound irritated but still lingering in the smirk.

    Weiila gave him a fond sneer and then waved with the pencil.

 "Alright, let's get this done!"

    The small living room changed into a huge cave. A faint circle of light could be seen on the floor near one of the walls. Flea and Magus moved up on either side of the magic roundness. 

 "Oookay," Weiila said while everyone else backed off, "you just saved Frog and now there'll be a bit of banter as you know. I haven't fleshed out my notes yet so improvise if you feel like it."

    She wandered off, not for real questioning herself on why she kept giving them opportunities to be silly. It was too funny to be let down, and they stayed less murderous about what she put them through. 

    After a while it gets very tiring to be a master ducker of sharp things and spells of varied kinds.

    On the other hand, the scenes that didn't include Magus tended to have a less humorous brand even when the script wasn't followed. He just did it to people. Sometimes. At other times he was just fooling around like everyone else, depended on his mood completely.

 "Lesse some blood!" Weiila shouted before melting into the background and setting herself before her computer to type the events down.

    Magus changed stance so that it would look like he was just landed on the ground and was trying to get up, carrying the knight he despised oh so much.

 "Why did _thou_ cometh to my aid?" Frog whispered.   
 "You just shut up!" Magus growled.   
    He was already regretting his quick decision.  
 "My, what a sweet reunion!" Flea laughed.   
    He continued, mocking Frog's way of talking:  
 "Lord Magus, I bideth thee welcometh! How abouteth a littleth barbaqueth to celebrateth? Powers of the worldeth… doh!"

 "Yeah, here! Fry him for all I care!" Magus shouted, hurling Frog into the air as Flea stumbled on the words.

 "Why theee…!"

    Flea mechanically reached out and grabbed the knight's right ankle as he was about to crash land head first beside the magician.

    Suppressed laughter could be heard from all over the set as Frog calmly crossed his arms there he hung upside down.

 "I believeth thou enjoy fanfiction more than thou will ever admit," the knight stated.

 "As long as I get to toy with the script and everyone else, of course," Magus said.

    Weiila's voice made it through the giggles: 

 "Alright, try again!"

 "Waaait!" Frog helplessly complained as he made a second flight over the circle.

    Magus caught him and went back into position.

 "Lord Magus, I bideth thee welcometh! How abouteth a littleth barbaqueth to celebrateth? Powers of the world, lend me the power of Lightning!"

    The warlock fled backwards, trying not to drop Frog in the process.

 "You better add a rant about why I'm so frantic on getting away!" Magus called while dancing out of reach for the bolts.

 "Yeah, and something about why you're not letting them make charcoal of Frog, too!" Weiila shouted back in agreement. 

 "Apart from that I want to do it myself!"

 "Sure!"

 "I hateth my job…"

 "You're not on the bad side of her favorite characters!" Magus snarled under his breath and spun to face Flea-and-Slash as the swordsman spoke.

 "Why don't you say something, lord Magus?" Slash asked with a mean smile upon Flea's lips, "we haven't seen each other in such a long time, and you don't even greet us?"

 "Pha!"

    Silence.

 "What?" Flea finally said after a few seconds.

 "Last I did this all the furniture went to splinter heaven," Magus pointed out.

 "And my favorite chair!" Schala shouted from somewhere in the set.

 "Exactly."

 "I made the living room magic proof this time," Weiila called, "yes, I'm certain!" 

 "Alright. Powers of the underworld…!"

 "Do we have to do this!?" Slash screeched while he in his host body zoomed towards the wall due to the magic pressure.

    The three bodies slumped to the floor, but soon got up again.

 "That was not very smart, indeed," Flea said, regaining the breath, "did you leave your brain outside, cutie?"

    Magus staggered and leaned against the wall, contemplating what to do next.

    Silence.

 "Frog, you're supposed to call the Masamune!" Lucca helpfully shouted from off scene.

    No reply. 

    Magus held up a motionless form by the ankle.

 "He's out cold," he concluded.

 "And I bet you're saying 'Oops', just like last time?" Marle scolded while stepping through the cave wall and grabbing Frog from the warlock in order to heal him.

 "I refrushethth to take part in thlish endeavo… gh…" Frog slurred, trying to wave with his hand in a determined way from his lying position.

 "That's what I always say," Magus snorted and crossed his arms, "but does anyone listen to me?"

 "Take it from the beginning when he wakes up, I need to work some things out to make it better!" Weiila ordered from afar. 

 "See?"

 "And the magic system…" they heard Weiila mutter, "I'll have to work on this… and then the sequel…"

    One second of silence. Then:

 "The _what_?!"

    Over by her table the author flung up her notebook and wrote:

**                                Stop thinking aloud.**

 "Moving on people! In position!" she shouted, hoping they wouldn't go berserk right away.

    Just in case, she clutched her pen tightly. It usually kept them back a little, as the notes she kept writing always were way more messy than the computer rewrites.

    Growling and cursing silently everyone got back in position. Flea sighed but straightened up on his and Slash's side of the circle.

 "Lord Magus, I bideth…"

 "_Aaaiiieee_!!"

    The banshee cry was followed by the sound of a chair falling over. Weiila darted into the set and took cover behind the pink-skinned magician.

 "Keep him away from me!!"

 "For Lizard's sake…" Slash grunted.

    Molor slithered in, caught Magus' eye and raised the tip of his tail to his black forehead in a form of salute, then went back into hiding followed by the warlock's wide sneer.

 "You get yourself a giant snake when you're afraid of them," Slash sighed and waved with Flea's arms in a hopeless gesture, "I rest my case."

 "Dammit Magus!" the author snarled.

 "Suits you right for all you've put me through!" he retorted.

 "You've seen nothing yet!" Weiila promised and stomped back to her computer.

 "And I'm keeping firm contact with Molor!"

    Fingers snapped and the set changed into the living room again. Weiila leaned her head in her palm.

 "Alright, alright, you win, Magus. Get Cecil and the FF4 crew down here then, I'll work with you later."

 "Way to go…!" Flea hissed from the corner of his mouth while Magus let Frog down.

    He winked with one eye and went to fetch his book before leaving. As everyone else ran off as quickly as they could, this left him alone in the room with Weiila. Pondering for a moment and glancing at the stair leading up, he stood still. Waiting.

    Weiila didn't seem to notice him, scrolling through a screenful of text before her.

    Suddenly the mouse arrow froze and she perked up as if waking from a dream suddenly. The chair spun against the exit and she cupped her hands around her lips to empower her voice as she shouted:

 "And tell Zeromus to use the bloody…"

    A crash shook the whole house and the room filled with dust and falling pieces of the ceiling. In the middle of the chaos stood a gray, pulsating nightmare of claws and evil.

 "… Stair," Weiila sighed.

    Magus just calmly scratched a piece of concrete off his shoulder and walked past the apologizing demon with a chuckle.

*Taken directly from my very dear friend StarStorm's online comic (on hold, but I'm still hoping) "Fanauthor Fancomics". Magus is supposed to say this about me in one of the introduction strips.

Release of the beast in chapter 6:

 "Okay you guys, play it nice even if Molor is in this scene, alright?!" Weiila shouted and suppressed a shudder.

    It was time for the moment when the warlock met his life time companion in Dalton's dungeons.

 "Fine, so I cut the bars and he comes flowing out?" Magus called to the wall.

 "That's it, yeah!"

    Magus changed grip of his scythe and nodded at Schala in the beginning of the scene. Then he raised his weapon and easily severed the bars on the floor with four quick cuts. 

    The bars fell into the darkness, everybody waited for the hard clang of metal against stone…

 _Thud!_

 "Haisss!" came a hissed groan of pain from below.

    Magus threw the scythe aside – nearly severing Frog's head had he not ducked – and fell down on his knees to peek into the dusk.

 "Are you alright, Molor?" he asked, regret sounding extraordinary strange in his voice.

    A hiss came back and Magus backed a little as the big black head grew up from the hole.

    A bump was visible on the otherwise perfect, scaly skin.

 "Na matala sela…" Frog sighed, quickly healing the snake.

    Molor disappeared down again and the bars reappeared.

 "Sorry about that," Weiila called, "try it again."

    Magus called his weapon to his hand and once again cut the bars.

    Metal hit stone in the darkness, which gave a hideous creature in return. Hissing angrily a dark body continued exploding upwards for what seemed like an eternity. In the end a surely twelve feet long, black snake laid… motionless on the floor. A helpless hissing left the hard, black lips.

 "Now what?" Weiila said, coming through the wall.

    Snakes freaked her out no matter the size and origin from real life or fantasy, but she also had something against suffering. Even if certain characters never would believe that.

    Magus sat down to listen to the hissing again. Molor looked rather pathetic as the warlock lifted his big head into his lap.

 "He overstrained a muscle," the dark magician reported.

 "He _is_ a muscle!" 

 "Exactly!"

 "You poor thing…"

    And thus, this scene was put on hold as well, as many before it had been. 

    Meaning that another plan of the two dark companions was successful. You sneaky little… 


	2. This is what you'd call crossovers

Another Life… or not

Actually, the writing of Another Life went surprisingly well, probably because it was told solely from Janus' point of view, which meant that he got to direct almost everything. And if he stays content, nobody else seem to dare messing things up. The only real hiccup was trying to get the last fight with Charash right, just before Lizard and his friends came to save the day. We had to redo that part several times before we finally managed to come out with a scene that didn't toast my living room or any of the involved characters. I'm _still_ trying to get the smell of fried frog out of the sofa… 

The Prince's story

Angelic interference in chapter 4:

 "What the crap is that?"

    A giant finger pointed at the green, knitted sleeve. A big, long bump that didn't really look like it belonged there could be seen, stretching over the bigger part of the upper arm.

 "Oh that…"

    Weiila poked at the bump where it ended just by her shoulder, and it moved a bit with a low snore.

 "Just a sleepy head," the author said with a fond little smile.

 "I wash my hands of it…" Lavos muttered and walked over to Molor, who had transformed into his dragon form.

    The snake wasn't filling up the living room however, since he wasn't much bigger than a middle-sized dog.

 "You need to be at least twice as big, I think," Weiila thoughtfully instructed.

    Molor carefully shrugged his bony black shoulders and grew some more.

 "Little more still… there, much better."

    Schala and Janus walked onto the set.

    Even though he wasn't Magus anymore, it didn't do much for the warlock's relationship with the author.

 "Alright, so I'm just a helpless vegetable in this scene?" Janus grunted, "just great…"

 "It's a grand role, people will be dying to have you saved!" Weiila said, "they always do."

 "Yeah, right."

 "Hey now," the author mildly said, "I'm kinder to you than most people out there. I don't pair you up with Flea or Ayla."

    Shuddering Janus turned away and levitated up from the floor, stretching out his arms in either direction.

 "You've just come to save the day Schala, well, to try," Weiila instructed, "Janus is hard to reach though."

 "And what do we do?" Lavos asked, motioning at Molor.

 "Fight like animals!"

 "Roger!"

    With a snap of fingers the living room turned into a dark and sinister nothingness.

 "Ready, set, go!" Weiila called as she sat down.

    Molor flew at Lavos who fell backwards and stupidly glared up at the dragon grinning down at him – like Molor had a choice, having no lips as a dragon – while waving his tail like a happy puppy.

 "Gotcha!" the dragon proclaimed in a silly, happy voice.

    Janus and Schala tried to hide their laughs in their hands.

 "No fair!" the alien whined and got to his feet.

    And the battle raged on.

    Schala shrugged and pretended to stumble in from nowhere. 

    Molor's blood-red wings swept out, the claws on their corners cutting into a floating blob each. Lavos growled in pain and raised a hand. A pale light swept up from Janus' body like a misty cloud and raced over to the alien. Molor was thrown backwards and Lavos attacked him with new energy.

 "Psst, Janus!" Schala hissed from the corner of her mouth, "you're supposed to be in pain I think."

 "It just tickled for crap's sake… alright, alright…" the warlock grunted and then groaned, "ahh!"

    Schala hurried over to her brother, nervously glancing at the combatants to make sure she wasn't seen.

 "Janus, can you hear me?!" she hissed.

    No reply. He was grimacing in pain.

    Suddenly more light left him and he sunk a few inches towards the ground with a groan.

 "So that's how…" Schala whispered.

    Janus opened his mouth to cry out in despair over the nightmares Lavos' "gave" him in order to "keep him chained", but was interrupted in his dramatics by one of the most irritating sounds there is.

 *Brrrrring!!*

 "Crappy phone!" just about everyone growled.

    The characters weren't always happy with the scenes, but when they got things working they didn't like being interrupted. At least not from outer forces. 

    Hurried footsteps were heard.

 "It's for you!" what sounded like Hawk from Seiken Densetsu III said from Weiila's position.

 "Thanks."

    On the set everyone grunted but relaxed, waiting for the end of the call.

 "Oh, hi!" Weiila said behind the dark veil, "uhuh. Uhuh. But I'm working with him here… hm, I suppose. Well, alright. I'll let you talk to him."

    The author came into the void and threw the phone at Janus. He easily caught it in a graceful movement with his whole arm.

 "What is it?" he asked Weiila.

 "It's d_Galloway," she said, "he wants to do something with you in it."

    Janus dropped the phone as if it had been red hot charcoal.

 "No crappy way!" he screeched and disappeared off into the darkness.

    Weiila calmly walked over to the phone and picked it up again.

 "Yep, he ran off," she told the guy on the other side, "yeah, sure. I'll get him, no problem. Nope, I ain't got no ace up my sleeve. I've got a joker though. Hang on a sec."

    She handed the phone to Schala and poked at the previously mentioned bump on her arm with her pointing finger.

 "Wake up, darling. Come on now. Sleep time is over," she softly told the small hill, as if she was trying to awake a demon kid who hated mornings.

 "Jusht a few mmmore mim…" the bump snored and moved around a bit.

 "Now now, up you go."

 "Myum…"

    The bump stretched up with a loud yawn. It was hard to see what it was under the sleeve, but something…

    Weiila reached in under her collar and pulled out a blond figure, about the size of a Barbie doll. He was shrouded in purple, flowing cloth and on his back were angel wings, which were what he was held by. This fellow was the fear of all FF6 characters… well, he would have been if he hadn't been a bastardization similar to Janus the Royal Wizard.

 "Wazzit?" the character yawned.

 "Janus just ran off, but I need him here," Weiila instructed, "would you get him for me?"

 "Aye-yay!"

    Upon release the angel dropped to the floor but grew twice as tall as Lavos upon touching the ground.

 "Fetch, boy!" Weiila grinned, pointing in the direction of the warlock's escape.

    Chuckling like a mad chicken the angel set off after the escapee.

    Within thirty seconds he came prancing back like a dog, carrying Janus' cloak between his teeth. And the wearer was still in it, with the expression of a storm cloud.

 "Good work, Kerr," Weiila chuckled as Kefka's nutty twin brother happily waved with his wings.

 "That wasn't fair!" Janus loudly protested.

    Schala walked over to Weiila.

 "Galloway says that he wants you in the fic too," the princess carefully said, "something about turning you into a kid."

    Weiila blinked. And blinked.

 "No crappy way!"

    And off she was.

    For a moment everybody just exchanged glances. Then Janus slowly began to grin.

 "Kerr?" he said.

 "Mhmm?"

 "Fetch. Ouff!"

    Even if he landed rather gracelessly on the floor, the sight of a struggling Weiila being carried back with her collar between Kerr's teeth was a sight that made him forget the humiliation. And the photos Lavos took would warm many a cold winter evening.

 "Galloway's waiting," the alien told the angel as the former lowered the black box of pictures, "be nice and bring them over to him, will you?"

 "Okay!" Kerr merrily nodded and grabbed a waist in each hand.

 "Damn you Lavooos!!" the two long-haired people shouted while blasting off.

    Two crashes were heard as Kerr penetrated the ceiling and roof, then all turned quiet.

 "He's such a sweet boy," Schala fondly said, watching the more and more distant angel through the hole in the fading nothingness that was supposed to be Janus' mind. 

    Molor and Lavos nodded in silence.

 "I'm worried about Janus though," the dragon said with a sigh.

 "Ach, he'll be fine," Lavos assured, "surely humiliated and homicidal when he gets back, but fine."

 "You're one too talk calmly, you're not sleeping in the same room as him. Psh, when he's mad, I don't get any sleep at all. Now what do we do?"

 "How about watch a movie?" Hawk called and peaked into the void.

 "Yeah, they'll be gone for days," Schala agreed.

 "Movie night! Open the vault!" the ninja shouted and scurried off to make popcorn.

 "But make sure your kids don't eat the tapes this time, okay?" the princess of Zeal muttered to Lavos.

 "I've sent them to a disciplinary course, don't worry," the alien mildly said.

    Molor and Schala watched him in confusion for a moment.

 "For giant hedgehogs?" the dragon finally said, "who's leading the course?"

 "You."

 "Oh. Crap it…"

    Muttering to himself Molor spidered off, followed by his team mates. 

    Now, some of you are probably wondering what the heck happened here. "Kerr" is sort-of like Janus the Royal Wizard, being Kefka's (FF3/6j) twin brother. The first time he showed up was in "Gogo's Secret II: Another Face", where you can get the full explanation on who he is. He gets the full recognition in my other epic in the works, "Alternate Fates", which is a spinoff from "Another Face". Both of these can be found on ff.net, so simply click my name up there near the top of the page if you're interested.

    The reason that the only swear word ever uttered "off screen" in this fic being "crap" can be found in my "Hanging Around", also on ff.net. It's one of my first fics and posted here only on demand… I don't want to take responsibility, but it's somewhat of a classic at RPGClassics where it was originally posted. But it's really crap stupid… 

    The fic by d_Galloway that Janus and me not so successfully tried to escape from can be found in rpcglcassic's fanfic archives, the comedy archives. I've tried to post the full url, but that disappears when in the uploaded text. Well, to make it simpler for you I made the fanfic section the link for "My Homepage" in my profile. Ain't I nice? ;P

    Just scroll down a little to reach Gallo's section. The story we got caught in is "The Mox Saga". I recommend that you read the first eight "The FF breakroom" chapters before you dig into Mox' tale, since they're semi preludes.


End file.
